Today, 3/26/09, is the one year anniversary of my mother's death. I have been anticipating this day for some time now, unsure of how I would feel or what I would do to best honor and remember her.
I have started to write a substantial reflection, but for now, it is not yet suitable for blog publishing and ultimately may be too personal (we shall see).
When I was interviewing for this Tanzania elective, one of my interviewers asked me if it would be a problem for me to be over here on this day, away from family and friends or any potential ceremonies. I told her that I had thought about it, but that there would not be a big family gathering or anything, and my personal belief was that I could honor and remember my mother anywhere (and she could "see" me wherever I am in the world), so my ability to be present or absent in the U.S. would not be a deciding factor. I figured I could find a church here where I could pray and reflect. I am thankful that they mentioned it, though, because it made me feel like the program would be concerned and understanding about my feelings on this day. At the same time, my decision tree reflects how little guidance I have on how to behave this day. Is it like any other day? Something is unique about it, but what is its significance exactly? What does one year passing mean? Having not grown up in a particularly traditional family, there is an element of me that feels a bit at a loss for what to do.
The best I can come up with:
- Take time to reflect on my life with Mom and life without her
- Take time to miss her (although that is hard, because it makes me want to cry and I am at the office, where I feel weird crying; maybe tonight)
- Go to church (Erin and I may go tomorrow morning; Kolping Hotel holds services Monday, Wed, Friday, and Sunday)
- Talk to people
- Keep moving forward; do things that would make her proud. :)
So far, the day has been good. Woke up and had some Chai Bora (Tanzanian black tea) for breakfast, then chatted with Erin on our walk to then ICAP Office. Erin and I are in the office today and not on a site visit outside of Bukoba, and so I have some time to write and think. I had a chance to talk to Dad (hi Dad!) and IM Crystal (hi Crystal!) on Skype, which is really nice, because it helps me feel more connected with my life and identity back home. I haven't really had a chance to talk to anyone on the phone since arriving here in Tanzania, since international calls are confusing and we are often without internet access, so that was really nice to be able to converse. Now, it is time to go analyze some data that we collected at Nyakahanga Designated District Hospital. Erin has been great about letting me just do what I need to do to take care of myself this morning, but now I am starting to feel guilty about not working when she is.. So.. off to work!
Hope everyone is well.
love,
Steen
Take care of yourself :)
ReplyDeletehey steen, hope you spent the day of your mom's anniversary the way you had wanted. i don't think there is a standard way of commemorating the memory of someone close to you. the point is in the remembering :).
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